The Weaknesses of the Relational Style of Disciple Making
Pastor Doug Beutler
In my last blog, I talked about where to start if you want to become a disciple maker. We explored the relational style of disciple making and some of its great strengths.
Today, I want to talk about some of its weaknesses.
Someone once told me that the strengths of a personality, skill, or gift, when taken to the extreme, can become its weakness. That’s especially true of the relational style of disciple making. In this post, I’ll share three common weaknesses that often arise when this style is pushed to the extreme.
1. The Love of Acceptance Leaves Them Vulnerable to Peer Pressure
One of the biggest challenges for those with a relational style is their deep desire to be accepted. They love people so much that they don’t want anyone to be upset with them. They don’t want to be rejected or disappoint others, and because they dislike confrontation, they’ll often avoid it at all costs.
That desire to please can make them vulnerable to peer pressure. They may give in when they shouldn’t, say “yes” when they should say “no,” or stay silent when they ought to speak up. Often, this comes from a place of insecurity — wanting people’s approval rather than resting in God’s love and approval.
I remember early in my ministry, when I worked for Youth for Christ Campus Life, we took a group of kids to Florida for a week-long conference. After a long drive, we stopped for the night in Ocala and decided to watch a movie together. It wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t something we should’ve been watching either. I knew better, but because everyone wanted to see it — students and staff alike — I gave in.
Later, I felt deeply convicted. My desire to be liked had gotten in the way of making a godly decision.
If this is your tendency, remember this truth: God already loves and accepts you. You don’t need to compromise to be accepted by others.
2. They Avoid Risking the Friendship
Relational disciple makers often invest deeply in friendships — they work hard to build and nurture them. That’s a beautiful thing, but sometimes the fear of losing the friendship can keep them from sharing their faith.
They may think, “If I bring up Jesus, it could make things awkward or even end the friendship.” So they stay quiet, even when the Holy Spirit nudges them to speak. But real love and true friendship mean we’re willing to talk about the hard things, even when it’s uncomfortable.
I remember a trip I took in college with my roommate and a friend. One night, they wanted to stay for an X-rated movie at a drive-in. I didn’t want to, but they pressured me — and for a moment, I gave in. As I sat there, I felt miserable. Finally, I told them I was leaving, even if it meant walking back to the campground. To my surprise, they both decided to leave too.
Fifteen years later, that same friend — now a pastor — came up to me at a conference. He said, “I’ve wanted to tell you for years that I’m sorry for that night. Your boldness to stand for what was right changed my life.”
I was shocked, but humbled. What I thought might hurt our friendship actually deepened it. True friendship grows stronger when it’s rooted in truth.
3. They Put Earning the Right to Be Heard Ahead of Speaking the Truth
Earning the right to be heard is important — people need to know we care before they care what we know. But sometimes, relational disciple makers take this too far. They keep waiting for the “perfect time” to talk about Jesus — a time that never comes.
We must remember that the people we love the most are the ones who most need to hear the gospel from us. The real question is: Do we love them, and do they know it? If the answer is yes, then it’s time to speak truth in love.
People are often more open to hearing about Jesus than we think. Many are quietly wondering if God is real and if faith actually makes a difference.
I’m reminded of a story about Lloyd, a doctoral student who was a follower of Christ. He often had lunch with a classmate named Al, who didn’t know Jesus. Many times, their conversations edged toward faith, but Lloyd always held back, afraid he hadn’t earned the right to share yet. One day, as they discussed grace, Lloyd placed his pen on the table and said, “Al, when you decide to accept the gift of grace and commit your life to Christ, pick up this pen.” Al sat silently for over an hour. A friend walked by and, seeing the tension, said jokingly, “Why not do it now and get on with your life?” and walked away. Moments later, Al reached out, grabbed the pen, and said, “Now is the time.” Lloyd realized then — the risk was worth it.
The truth is, the risk is always worth it.
The relational style of disciple making is powerful — it builds trust, love, and genuine connection. But it also requires intentionality. We must recognize our weaknesses, submit to the Holy Spirit’s leading, and walk closely with Him every day.
When we do, our relationships don’t just grow deeper — they become plowed holy ground for God to work through us.
