Wanted Dead or Alive: Building Healthy Disciple Making Relationships
Pastor Doug Beutler
John Bon Jovi recorded a song that was released in 1996 called Wanted Dead or Alive. It describes the unhealthy relationship that a rock star has with his fans. The love-hate difficulties, the pressure to produce, and the fickleness of fans. Pastors, disciple-makers, and people who deal with people can relate to this song. Not that we are stars but the difficulty in dealing with people has driven many away from making disciples. As one pastor put it, “If it wasn’t for people I would love my job.”
The goal of disciple-makers is not to build unhealthy relationships. Unhealthy relationships lead to co-dependency, jealousy, and immaturity. Healthy relationships are characterized by unconditional love, patience, commitment, and honesty. So how can pastors and people build healthy disciple-making relationships? I think we need to look to Jesus and see how He built healthy disciple-making relationships.
I think there are 4 things that Jesus did in building healthy disciple-making relationships:
1) He took time to be in public.
We see a very interesting picture in John 1 when John the Baptist says, “Look the lamb of God!” (John 1:36) Then the apostle John records in that same verse that this happened while Jesus was passing by. What was Jesus doing? Where was He going? What was He trying to accomplish? I think Jesus’ goal was to be with people. Jesus didn’t hide in His office and wait for people to come to Him. He went out and was with people. He was just passing by having conversations with people who were willing to talk with Him.
I am always amazed when I hear pastors who never leave their office. Either they are studying or they are meeting people in their office. I don’t want to downplay the value of studying for Sunday sermons but we know that in today’s culture, people generally would rather sit and have a coffee conversation than listen to us stand on a stage and speak to them.
https://www.ncconversations.com/single-post/2019/02/20/how-not-to-preach-to-millennials-part-one
It is important to be out there with the people if we are going to be disciple-makers. I know how hard it is to work all day then come home and just want to stay home and “veg”. But if we want to make disciples then we need to be out with people. We do this within our situations. If we are single we can go any time, if we are married we coordinate with our spouse’s schedule so they can go, if we have a family we take them with us so our children can learn how to make disciples.
I had a person walk up to me recently at church and say that they had “one of those moments that you talk about”. I said, “What happened?” They said that they went into a Meijer’s store and were greeted by the greeter. The person from my church asked, “How are you doing?” and the greeter said, “Not good”. The person from my church meant to respond, “I will pray for you” but instead they said, “Can I pray for you right now?” It’s amazing how the Holy Spirit works. The greeter said, “Yes”. So the person from my church prayed for them right there and they said, “It was awesome.”
2) He noticed people around Him.
After John the Baptist said, “Look the lamb of God” two disciples started following Jesus. These disciples were curious. Was this the Lamb of God? Was He the Messiah? They had so many questions. So they followed Jesus hoping to get a chance to talk to Him. What is amazing is what happens next. Jesus notices them. He notices them following Him.
I am amazed at how many people out there today who want to be noticed. Someone to say, “I see you”. We live in a fast-paced culture that can be very uncaring. It can make people feel like they are insignificant and unnoticed. I think it is ironic that we live in a culture where there are more opportunities to interact with people worldwide through social media than ever but we are also one of the most lonely cultures.
https://mcc.gse.harvard.edu/reports/loneliness-in-america-2024
We forget how powerful it is to notice people. To acknowledge that they are there. To reach out with a smile. I remember walking by a person in the store and I smiled at them and I saw their eyes light up as they smiled back. Take a look around at the people you pass every day. Are they ok? Are they discouraged, sad, or depressed? Take a moment to pray for them and smile as you walk by.
3) He interacted with people by asking questions.
Not only did Jesus notice the 2 disciples but he took the next step and interacted with them. The way Jesus interacted with them was He asked them a question. He asks, “What do you want?” Does Jesus not know? Of course, He does. He can see their hearts. They are seeking something…someone. So Jesus engaged them in a conversation by asking a question that was not closed-ended. He doesn’t ask them, “Do you want something?” Jesus asked them to explain why they were following Him. It was designed to take the conversation to the next level. They respond by asking, “Rabbi, where are you staying?” Did they want to know where Jesus was staying? I don’t see it that way. I think they were looking for an open door to connect with Jesus.
Today people are asking the same questions. Many of them are asking Why am I here? What is my purpose? How did I get here? What happens after death? So how do seekers get around to asking these questions? By us asking questions. Having a spirit of curiosity is a powerful tool in building healthy relationships. Where are you from? Did you go to college? How long have you been living here? What are some of your hobbies? Are you married? These are just a few of the questions that your spirit of curiosity can lead you to.
A friend of mine, who I am discipling, and I have been meeting in an Applebee’s for lunch. For several years we have grown to know a bartender there. He always serves our table and takes our orders for lunch. He is outgoing so I asked him some questions. What does he like about being a bartender? How long he had been a bartender? Where have you worked as a bartender? Those questions opened up a door for some very interesting future spiritual conversations.
4) He spent significant time with people.
Jesus tells those disciples to come and you will see. So they went to where Jesus was staying and then something is recorded that is extremely important. “And they spent that day with him.” They spent the whole day with Jesus. No watching the clock, no deadlines to meet, no next place to go. Jesus just sat down and spent some time with these two disciples.
People today are always in a hurry. The next place to go, the next project to work on, the next person to see. We can inadvertently make people feel like they are not important or that we are not reliable. No one wants to be the second thought or the second choice. Relationships take time. They need to be prioritized. We need to realize that relationships need a long runway to earn trust and credibility.
I started meeting with Billy (not his real name) 9years ago. Billy was a Veteran and was suffering from PTSD. His wife and children were going to my church but he was not. He was not a Christian. He would come to Christmas and Easter services to appease his wife. One day I asked him to go for lunch which he did. We talked about the Chicago Bears, Ft. Wayne Komets, Chicago Cubs, and White Sox. That lunch turned into a weekly lunch. After a couple of years, he came to me and asked me if I would be willing to talk to him about his PTSD. He did not like his therapist and he had asked his Psychiatrist if he could meet with me instead. I told him, “I know nothing about PTSD but I would be happy to listen.” He said that would be fine. That was 9 years ago and last year he accepted Jesus Christ as his Savior. But that’s another story I’ll share on a different day.
We don’t approach relationships like “Wanted Dead or Alive”. We approach them as people we notice while we live our lives and ask questions as we spend intentional time with them.